Skippy Hollow As Always

Ichabod Crane. Dark knights. Must be that time of year again. Achieved a pumpkin-free zone. No gourds, dried stalks or Indian corn either. Okay. Cheap candy for kids. Trick or treat. All Hallow’s Eve. Once. Not an entire week.

Orange is the old black. I’ll be the usual. Rhymes with witch. Yeah. I rehearse all year. So. Just no. Crinkly Hillary cleavage. Ebola hazmat suits. Headless horsemen of Isis. Not too soon. Never. Make it stop. Is it Kranky Kristmas yet?

Holiday Letter 2013

Dear Faux Amis,

Annual oversharing tidings! So much to tell. The year was mostly serene. Our carefully curated Facebook page filled with montages of selfies in canoes. Portraying our truly rich life. Then in August we all went Osage County.

Moonbeam joined the 21st Century and discovered Candy Crush game. No time for global causes now. Living in the basement, he clicks away all day while malevolent Mephistopheles the cat jumps on his head. Moonie only leaves his lair to meet me upstairs nightly for gluten-free snacks and quite a few high balls.

I’ve given up naked Pilates. Drugs seem more convenient. Purple pills, blue pills, pink pills. Pretty to look at every morning. And they go down easy with my protein shake. I have contracted tuberculosis, leprosy, and my head is falling off as the result of side-effects. But, there are pills for that, too. So.

Haven’t seen Zelda in a few months. Moonbeam and I get facetime calls periodically from Vegas. Her credit card seems to have gone dry. What with so many sparkly jumpsuits, it’s no surprise. Lots of zippers. But, she is off fulfilling a dream. Pole dancing for men in brocade vests and cowboy hats. You go, girl!

As Town Manager here in Silent H, Mass., I proudly succeeded in banning nuts from our schools. Nobody left in class. But, hey. Tomorrow is a latter day.

Happy Thanks Kristmakkah,
The Bidrights

Thorny Hallow

Hi. It’s me again. The Halloween-hater. It is over yet? A month of spooky plots on every show. Even the news. Women trolloping around in low-cut getups. Men strutting superhero suits. This is scary. A different kind of horror. Little zombies, goblins, witches. Fine. I’ll give you KitKats and KandyKorn. On Thursday.

Orange pumpkins can stay in the fields or on farm trucks. None at my house. They’d clash with resolute pink roses in our October garden. DSC_0016-1

Moon Baby

Under the Thunder Full Moon, on the last day of Cancer, July 22, Prince of Cambridge arrives. His Daddy Wills was born on the first day of the Sun sign, June 21. Kate a bit late in changing the weekend mood on the links in Scotland. But, baby was smart enough to emerge on a famous GemQueen’s royal birthday.

Name roulette. Francis is Kate’s father’s middle name, as Frances was Diana’s. Pope beat them to it. I’m going with George William Philip Windsor.

Rantsy Pants

CandyPants Rants. It has been a while. So, I’ve saved them up.

Carl Bernstein calls Romney an opportunist. Jon Huntsman said Mitt is a well-oiled weathervane. Brilliant. Broken record alert. Rahm, Axelrod, Jarrett are stale. Get new people, PrezO. Sarah Jessica Parker and Anna Wintour not a good idea in these times. Tacky. Yerp out. Obama’s re-election will be defined by the global economy. His re-election depends on its stability in October.

Great news! You don’t have to study, work hard or pay big bucks to go to a prestigious college anymore. Just say you did on Facebook or LinkedIn. Really? Life is not “Suits”. Social networking world is smaller than you think. Forbes.

Speaking of Facebook, as I said before the IPO, it had already jumped the shark. The market has caught up. Just as people are discovering Kelly Ripa, I’m growing weary of her revolving co-hosts. Love Michael Strahan.

Real Housewives franchise has also jumped. It’s bad when I miss SiLex and Jill. Soaps out, too. Finally ran out of characters and story lines. GH now has Todd, from the defunct OLTL, who killed his twin brother who is the father of his ex-wife’s new-born pitted against hit-man Jason, who also killed his twin brother, serial killer Franco who raped his wife and is the father of her new-born. Y&R’s Victor is now doing his former daughter-in-law Sharon.

Need new books!!!!!

Love Me Nots

Valentine-grams of 4-foot teddy bears, and pajamas with bunny feet? Are men who buy this stuff married to ten-year old girls? It will get them ‘lucky’ once a year? Creepy and cupid. Johnny Depp gave his GF a vineyard. That I’ll take.

First mass-produced lacey greeting cards were made in Worcester, Mass. Bad idea. Hallmark holidays began here. Happy League of Women Voters Day.
And Best in Show. And…couldn’t SI afford a bathing suit that fit?