Skippy Hollow As Always

Ichabod Crane. Dark knights. Must be that time of year again. Achieved a pumpkin-free zone. No gourds, dried stalks or Indian corn either. Okay. Cheap candy for kids. Trick or treat. All Hallow’s Eve. Once. Not an entire week.

Orange is the old black. I’ll be the usual. Rhymes with witch. Yeah. I rehearse all year. So. Just no. Crinkly Hillary cleavage. Ebola hazmat suits. Headless horsemen of Isis. Not too soon. Never. Make it stop. Is it Kranky Kristmas yet?

Holiday Letter 2013

Dear Faux Amis,

Annual oversharing tidings! So much to tell. The year was mostly serene. Our carefully curated Facebook page filled with montages of selfies in canoes. Portraying our truly rich life. Then in August we all went Osage County.

Moonbeam joined the 21st Century and discovered Candy Crush game. No time for global causes now. Living in the basement, he clicks away all day while malevolent Mephistopheles the cat jumps on his head. Moonie only leaves his lair to meet me upstairs nightly for gluten-free snacks and quite a few high balls.

I’ve given up naked Pilates. Drugs seem more convenient. Purple pills, blue pills, pink pills. Pretty to look at every morning. And they go down easy with my protein shake. I have contracted tuberculosis, leprosy, and my head is falling off as the result of side-effects. But, there are pills for that, too. So.

Haven’t seen Zelda in a few months. Moonbeam and I get facetime calls periodically from Vegas. Her credit card seems to have gone dry. What with so many sparkly jumpsuits, it’s no surprise. Lots of zippers. But, she is off fulfilling a dream. Pole dancing for men in brocade vests and cowboy hats. You go, girl!

As Town Manager here in Silent H, Mass., I proudly succeeded in banning nuts from our schools. Nobody left in class. But, hey. Tomorrow is a latter day.

Happy Thanks Kristmakkah,
The Bidrights

Thorny Hallow

Hi. It’s me again. The Halloween-hater. It is over yet? A month of spooky plots on every show. Even the news. Women trolloping around in low-cut getups. Men strutting superhero suits. This is scary. A different kind of horror. Little zombies, goblins, witches. Fine. I’ll give you KitKats and KandyKorn. On Thursday.

Orange pumpkins can stay in the fields or on farm trucks. None at my house. They’d clash with resolute pink roses in our October garden. DSC_0016-1

Moon Baby

Under the Thunder Full Moon, on the last day of Cancer, July 22, Prince of Cambridge arrives. His Daddy Wills was born on the first day of the Sun sign, June 21. Kate a bit late in changing the weekend mood on the links in Scotland. But, baby was smart enough to emerge on a famous GemQueen’s royal birthday.

Name roulette. Francis is Kate’s father’s middle name, as Frances was Diana’s. Pope beat them to it. I’m going with George William Philip Windsor.

Future Stock

In ten years will there be? Add your own…

Churches, religious schools, books, libraries, land lines, answering machines, princess phones, snail mail, stamps, mailmen, greeting cards, stationery, movie theaters, cemeteries, tomb stones, large office buildings, money, men’s suits, briefcases, files, rolodexes, secretaries, soap operas, watches, panty hose.

The Side Trek – Worst 2011

10- People on TV.  Cover your cleavage, freckles, arms. Sleeves. Pleez.
9- Rabid FoxyLoxy in our yard later found bludgeoned next to a croquet mallet.
8- Tea Party Bags obstruct. Debt Ceiling Debacle.
7- Cancellation of Human Target. Miss Mrs. Pucci and torture guy Guerrero.
6- Restaurant quality. Even old standards fell. Blue Heron. Gotham B&Grill.
5- Last Harry Potter movie. Cute kids became creepy old characters.
4- Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Suicide for sale. Who would watch it. Um.
3- Still in Afghanistan. Bring troops home. Build roads here.
2- Amy Winehouse. Wasted. Life, talent.
1- Weather. Blizzards, tornadoes, hurricane. Wreaked regional, personal havoc.