Dear Friends of the Bidrights,
This holiday season brings unsettling tidings. We regret to inform you of a shocking story in last week’s Daily Hampshire Gay-Zette:
” The Bidrights of Pronounced H, Massachusetts suddenly and spontaneously combusted last Sunday night. So too their newly erected blue-gray photovoltaic home, two pure-bred pigs, and an elderly cat, known as Mephistopheles. Poof! Nothing found except a toppled clothesline with sadly tattered granny underpants, an electric blue Prius covered in taupe dust, crocs and garden tools strewn around a former frontyard poop-pen, plastic rain barrels rolled into the street. “
Theories abound. Many believe that they were abducted by aliens. But. Neighbors are convinced that there is another culprit. The Bidrights were overwhelmed by their half-acre of endless chips. Yup. All that mulch swallowed them up. Into the brown Upside Down!
Only the Bidrights’ thirty-something son Moonbeam seems to have escaped. He reportedly emerged from under a pile of old Bernie signs in the basement some time ago, lately spotted at his alma mater Middlebury College, protesting free speech.
It goes without saying that we will miss the Bidrights’ annual updates. Ah well. Godspeed to the disappeared dorks. Wherever they landed. As long as they don’t pop up in Central Park.
Alas. The last of the Happy Valley Holiday Letters. Maybe…
Sinterklaas Eve. Dutch tradition. December 5th. Putting carrots out for Sint Niklaas so he will fill the wooden shoes with candy for the children. No chimneys involved. Nor toys. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could leave it at that? Done! Kids can get toys & games all year long now anyway. On Amazon. Not only is bricks & mortar retail on its last gasp. So soon is consumer Christmas! Back to families, carols & food. Yay.
Larry David & Lin Manuel Miranda’s Fatwa! the Musical. Please. Broadway!
btw Deutsche Bank isn’t Dutch.
9 hours of Stranger Things. An allegorical sci-fi thriller with an exorcism thrown in. Kids are good actors. Weekend diversion. Another season assured. Follow the Three Musketeers wrapper to Dustin’s buddy d’Artagnan crashing an upside down Snow Ball dance. Now-memories.
Upside. Claire Underwood lives! House of Cards continues. Frank killed off?!
And. Christiane Amanpour. Replacing Charlie Rose on PBS.
Holiday photo by G. Levine: Shelburne Centre, Western Massachusetts.
Nine tourists searching for Strawberry Fields.
Eight nannies yacking on cell phones.
Seven kamikaze skateboarders.
Six clueless Citi-Bikers.
Five gritty horse-drawn carriage drivers.
Four scamming pedi-cabs.
Three rats a running.
Two turtles sunning.
And a pigeon under a ginko biloba tree.
Daily gaits. 2017.
No snow in sight. So far.
Tiger Woods is back on the links. Under par.
Dennis Rodman of Celebrity Apprentice fame. Mutual friend of our Portly President and North Korea’s Dumpy Despot. Could he broker a summit to thwart nuclear war? Just to be safe. Revert to 1950’s duck and cover under your desks. Or huddle in the nearest bomb shelter.
Seems there are highways full of careening sexually deviant drivers. Power-mad under-clad predators racing toward self-destruction. Leaving innocent hit-and-runs on the roadsides. Time to put on the brakes. A ‘wreckoning’ is long overdue. But stay alert. There is danger around the bend which could spin out of control. Backfiring. Masculinity is not toxic. Nor is femininity. Individuals should be pulled over and stopped. Traffic laws need to be enforced. Everywhere. As long as we keep looking into the side-view mirrors.