Posted on by Carol Colitti Levine

Holiday Letter 2013

Dear Faux Amis,

Annual oversharing tidings! So much to tell. The year was mostly serene. Our carefully curated Facebook page filled with montages of selfies in canoes. Portraying our truly rich life. Then in August we all went Osage County.

Moonbeam joined the 21st Century and discovered Candy Crush game. No time for global causes now. Living in the basement, he clicks away all day while malevolent Mephistopheles the cat jumps on his head. Moonie only leaves his lair to meet me upstairs nightly for gluten-free snacks and quite a few high balls.

I’ve given up naked Pilates. Drugs seem more convenient. Purple pills, blue pills, pink pills. Pretty to look at every morning. And they go down easy with my protein shake. I have contracted tuberculosis, leprosy, and my head is falling off as the result of side-effects. But, there are pills for that, too. So.

Haven’t seen Zelda in a few months. Moonbeam and I get facetime calls periodically from Vegas. Her credit card seems to have gone dry. What with so many sparkly jumpsuits, it’s no surprise. Lots of zippers. But, she is off fulfilling a dream. Pole dancing for men in brocade vests and cowboy hats. You go, girl!

As Town Manager here in Silent H, Mass., I proudly succeeded in banning nuts from our schools. Nobody left in class. But, hey. Tomorrow is a latter day.

Happy Thanks Kristmakkah,
The Bidrights

4 Replies to “Holiday Letter 2013”

  3. BL’s Holiday Response 2013

    Dear Bidrights:

    How quickly 2013 has flown by, Sorry that I have sad news to share. Old Granny has passed away. She was enjoying her daily dish of pistachio ice cream when she dropped her spoon and fell to the floor and that was it. We miss her when we think about her.

    Now I am the companion to a woman named Ollie and we live together in this senior citizens’ residence called Journey’s End which is really quite nice. Three hot meals a day and all services can’t be be beat. Maybe you remember Ollie from the Presbyterian Womens’ Bible Study Group. She is tall and skinny with long arms and legs and she wears her thinning dark hair in a top knot.

    She was married to this man who sailed in the merchant marine and he had a glass eye. He loved spinach and ate it every day and one day he fell overboard into the ocean and his blood was so full of iron from all that spinach that he sank like a stone and was never seen again.

    Ollie has a boyfriend who is a real wimp but he takes her out every Saturday for a hamburger. Sure beats chicken. Anyway, he can drive at night and at our age that is a big plus.

    Hope all is well with you and yours. I am finally living the good life. In fact, it is time for my afternoon dish of pistachio ice cream.

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