Losers

People on United Airlines. Animals are treated well. Get to keep their seats. Allergic people passengers get kicked to the back of the cabin or booted off. Remember when cigarette smokers had to sit in the back? For health reasons?!

Smith College. Relegated to runner-up for Veep Selena Meyer’s Presidential library after Yale dumped her. Then Smith dumped her, too. Not feminist enough.

Free speech. On college campuses no less. Censorship is the new academic ideal.

Pocahontas. Why tag her with Granny Warren? Liz will be swinging her tomahawk on Real Time with Bill Maher tonight.

White House Correspondents Dinner. Incestuous glitterati fest. This year no guests.

No Starbucks?!

So. Like. I’m so over college. It’s not a safe place anymore. They. Like. Say mean things about my boyfriend’s man bun. And. Like. My Fifty Shades of Gray in the Context of Feminist Literature course got scrubbed. So. Now what? I have like loans to pay off. And. Like. No jobs for my major. Medieval womens’ studies. So. Like. Maybe I’ll join ISIS. I can travel and meet new people. Make a difference. But. Like. No hair salons. No Starbucks. Seriously. That sucks.

Maybe I’ll become a barista in Istanbul. Bon weekend.